In the middle of writing my Valentine’s Day blog post yesterday, I took a break and scrolled my Facebook feed. There flashed a Canadian news update from the Husband of Florence Leung who tragically took her own life, we learn now from suffering with Postpartum Depression, perhaps exacerbated by her struggles with breastfeeding. It triggered a memory of a sweet Mama we lost earlier in 2016 – beautiful Allison Goldstein, also from suicide as a result of PPD, perhaps worsened by taking a commonly prescribed med to increase her breastmilk supply. Absolutely heartbreaking. My empathy for those families runs so deep. And like many Moms who saw these stories on the news, we can see ourselves in these Mamas and identify with their struggles. Please, not one more.
I’ve stayed distant from talking about breastfeeding tips and tricks on my blog. Quite frankly, I kind of wish they would vanish from my feeds. I know there is good intention from those who write about them, and yes, I completely understand the benefits of breastfeeding, but the barrage of messages about it flooding social media I fear do more harm than good. Why? Because “benefits” extend beyond the nutritional composition of breast milk, and after the experience of bringing a new life into the world there is no greater benefit to a family than the well-being of the Mother. Breastfeeding is far from “normal” or “natural” for MANY new Moms, heck even experienced ones like myself. Four kids in and each and every experience with feeding my babes was different. My last being the most challenging. If I must share anything about my breastfeeding experience it is this – my mainly formula-fed baby is “exceptional” academically. No affects on brain development and IQ over here. My babe who was EBF the longest? Yah, they got sick every other week of their first year of life and now eat dust balls, dirt and their own feces in the bathtub and, like magic, get sick less frequently maybe as a result. Anti-bodies facts on reverse over here.
But in spite of knowing this, that pressure man, holy it weighed heavy and having something to prove to the “Breastfeeding Advocates” sent me to a very dark place my fourth time around the new Mama block. With the good graces of a husband tuned so well into me to know I was not right, and my stubbornness to make breastfeeding work, I sought support and carried on with it, but it came at a price- lingering flashbacks of suffering, memories of pain so great it sent me into a out-of-body state with non-stop tears and silent screams for help, wondering why the “feel good” effect from breastfeeding and Oxytocin surges were not working like before. The mental fatigue and what felt like physical torture from doing what was supposed to be “best” tarnished my early bonding experience with my new babe. Breast was certainly not best in this circumstance. My mental health was.
I purposely do not ask Moms of newborns “are you breastfeeding?”, as having experienced all sides of the breastfeeding journey I know this is not what you need to be answering to in those early, fragile, vulnerable days. I know while struggles are similar, our experiences will be unique. I will not force my advice on you. Instead, I will ask you “how are you recovering, Mama?”, “how’s your spirit doing?” Can I ask you to try to do the same? I know you may feel it’s an innocent question, but to a Mom of a new babe it could just be another dagger to her already fragile heart. You may not know that asking that question of some Moms may be pushing them further into a spiral of guilt, shame and overwhelm. She shouldn’t have to explain her feeding choice, not to you and especially not to a stranger in the Tim Horton’s line who doesn’t even know her name yet. It’s intrusive. Instead be a safe place for her to come if she wants your advice.
So my Valentine’s Post can wait. A much greater message needs to be spread – please, for the love of all Mothers, let’s remove the feeding pressures, perhaps by softening the “breast is best” message. To those who had an easy go of it, that’s amazing. But like so many things on this journey, your experience is unique. We need more consideration for those it has not been easy for, or those who quite simply chose not to breastfeed from the start. What Moms need to hear is “healthy Moms are best”, “nourished is best”, “mental well-being is best”, and be surrounded by resources and support that follows through with making that happen.
For the Mama currently struggling with her feeding choices, this is a little Love Note to you:
Hey Mama,
Congrats on your new bundle! Maybe your first, maybe your fourth. Wow, you and your body have just done something miraculous. I hope you are recovering well and have the supports you need in these first precious hours.
I know, the first choice you’re about to make as new Mama is how to feed your babe. Go with your gut, do what feels right for you. Tune out those posters in your face shouting “Breast is best”. Just listen to your voice. Nourishing your baby is what matters. And though it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders to go with what you “should do”, I’m your virtual Mama friend giving you permission to do what feels instinctively right. There is no greater benefit to you and your family than a content Mama, and a million other ways to bond and show your baby love beyond your feeding choices.
But if you want to give breastfeeding a try, be gentle on yourself. Maybe it will come super easy. That’s amazing. But know it’s not always an instantaneous, flawless feeding undertaking. In fact, the joy of it may quickly be masked by the pain of it. I know, so many will tell you to push through the horrendous cramps brought on by nursing, bear with your scabbing, puss-filled nipples, because “breast is best”. Darling, if that pain becomes too much, if your baby is not thriving as a result, if you feel yourself slipping into a dark tunnel of overwhelm and resentment, take my hand, beautiful Mama, let’s go get some formula. It’s a perfectly viable option. Maybe just for 1 bottle, maybe for the rest of your feeding journey. You need rest. Go get some. Formula is also a good feeding choice, and making the choice to supplement is not failing your baby. In fact it’s quite the opposite. You are making the choice to put your well-being AND the baby’s on a level field. When the world around you becomes entirely focused on the baby in front of you, I’m telling you that you need to be there for yourself in a BIG way.
There are so many pressures on this Motherhood journey you will face – return to work vs. stay at home, homeschool vs. private school vs. public school, organic vs. regular grocery and on and on and on. Learning to silence the noise is what I hope for you. Happy Moms mean happy families. Period. As long as you are not abusing your children, you are doing a mighty fine job, Mama. After nearly a decade into parenting I know the greatest badge of honour a Mother can attain is not whether and for how long they breastfed their child, it’s having well-adjusted and genuinely good humans to offer the world, and it begins with being a content Mom. Be your own Valentine first. Self-love and self-care in action allows all other love to flourish, including that for your family. Find your “person” and share your struggles. You are not alone. You are so loved. Let others love you and care for you. Let yourself heal from the inside out. Your body and spirit have been through a heck of a lot.
But Mama, if the light is hard to find, if your world feels like is crumbling in front of you, if you feel like you can’t handle it any more and the shame and guilt and anxiety and worry all becomes too much, please do just one more thing, pick up your phone, call 911 or one of the numbers below. You matter. You are worthy. You will see the clouds clear and find that light again. I promise you will. You are so loved and so needed, and though your feeding choice may seem like the most important thing right now, it is but a very small phase in this long-term journey of Motherhood and it is nowhere near as important as your child having YOU. Your value as a Mother is not defined by your feeding choices. And as much of this note is to all the beautiful, struggling Mamas out there, it is also the note I needed for myself. I was so close to the brink it fills me with despair to know fellow Mamas have not made it through. You do not need to suffer. Suffering does not equate to being a good Mom. It is destructive. Being brave and getting help is the first step to making the rest of the best decisions for your family. A Mom’s well being is best. Period.
With love,
A Mom Who Completely Understands and Cares
Xo
Post Partum Support International
1-800-944-4773
United States: 24 Hour National Suicide Prevention Lifeline hotline
1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255)
And a side note to our Health Care Systems:
We need education not expectation imposed on new moms. Education that not just focuses on the source of food for the child, but the well-being of the family. The only pressure a new Mom should feel is that to take good care of herself as well. The pressures begin with their first responders of support – doctors, nurses, consultants, extended family. Post-natal care of a Mom is equally important to the care of the new life. Improve your Post-partum check-ins. The checklists are not enough. Instead of just Lactation Consultants, let’s offer Mama Wellness Coaches. Empower new Moms with support, not scrutiny over feeding choices. Not one more Mother should ever feel so pressured she resorts to extreme measures to breastfeed that threaten her will to live.
**UPDATE**
Thank you to all the readers who liked and shared this post. I was contacted and interviewed by CBC Radio’s “The Current” to discuss the pressures on Moms to exclusively breastfeed. A panel of experts joined the discussion. You can listen to the broadcast here:
This is beautiful. I struggled big time through 6 months of breastfeeding and pumping with my daughter. It has actually made me push away my husband’s desires for more kids, because I’m terrified to go through that again. I put so much pressure on myself to do what is best for my baby and put my own needs aside. It was a breath of fresh air to read this. I still feel the pressure… but maybe next time I’ll also feel a little more of the power in my choice. We shall see 🙂
Thanks again.
Thanks so much for reading and for sharing your experience. Whatever you chose in the future, I hope you’re at peace with and feel less pressured. I also hope you are cared for in the best way. Moms need support not shame. xo
This is such an important topic in the mom blog community. Two of my best friends struggled with breastfeeding, and one of them tried practically everything under the sun to get it to work with both of her children, and it just wasn’t happening. It seems to me that the immense pressure women feel to breastfeed actually works against them because stress makes your supply diminish—and what’s more stressful than feeling like you’re failing your child? To both of them, and to any mother looking at formula feeding, I echo your sentiments. Moms need to be mentally healthy before anything else, and we should be rallying around each other to make that happen. Thanks for such a great post!
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your friends’ experiences. I am so sorry they endured such pressure instead of being supported. It’s just not right. Such stress on a Mom is counter-active. Support not shame must be the way. I’ve had enough of hearing so women be pushed into a depressive state because of the pressure. Just awful. xo
Well written. Mothers need all the love and support they can get. Fathers struggle too seeing their wives cope. Babies need to eat. There is no right or wrong way to feeding a baby. Being held and fed and burped with loving arms is the answer!
Thank you, sweet Barbara. You are absolutely right. xo <3
When I had my daughter I was encouraged to breastfeed like so many are. However, I was unable to because I needed to go back on medications that were not safe for pregnancy/breastfeeding. I can’t tell you how many times I was told I should make the sacrifice of not being on them for the benefit of my child. We need to be a support system for each other no matter what our personal beliefs are. This goes in parenting and in life in general.
Wow, Gina. I’m so sorry you had to endure that pressure. I hope you continue to take care of yourself. Our babies need healthy Moms. Period. Both feeding choices are perfectly okay. Thank you for sharing your story xo
Thank you! I love this. Breastfeeding did not come easily to me, despite visits to consultants. This would have helped me a lot!
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and for stopping by, Vicki. We need to removed this immense pressure on Moms xo
I love this post. I’m a huge advocate for breastfeeding AND working towards my lactation certification. I’m also a postpartum nurse. I hate the way that society has pinned mothers against one another, especially in this situation. Although I have all of those career roles, I ALWAYS make sure to tell people that FED IS BEST. Breastfeeding is such an emotional challenge… Although I encourage it, I’ve been through the hell of it and can understand why someone wouldn’t want to do it and i completely support it. At work, I ask if they want to do breastfeeding or bottle feeding on admission- it’s a standard question that I have to ask every mom. I can always see the fear or hesitance in their eyes. I instantly tell them, girl, I’m not judging. I just have to ask. I hate that women have to feel that way in general. With all of that rambling being said, thank you for this post. I’m going to pin it and I hope that every mom struggling READS THIS!
Thank you so much for your message, Erica Nicole! It’s so important to hear support from those in primary care positions of Moms with newborns. I am so happy to hear your approach. We need more people in the field with such an open, respectful position. So many women have lingering memories of the way they were pressured in hospital to breastfeed by nurses. I am so happy Moms will be in your care. Thank you so much for sharing xo
This is so great, I would love to have read this when I started breastfeeding…and struggling. I had a lot of troubles the first 1,5-2months so this would have been perfect. Loved your post!
Thanks so much, Tineke 🙂 And thank you for sharing your experience. It’s definitely not easy for all. I hope other Mamas read this who are struggling and no either choice is a good one. Our babies need healthy Mamas xo
Thank you for writing this! So many mamas including me feel this way!!💓
Thanks so much, Merefith 🙂 I’m all for full support of a Mother’s choice for her family and for her well-being. xo
***I purposely do not ask Moms of newborns “are you breastfeeding?”, as having experienced all sides of the breastfeeding journey I know this is not what you need to be answering to in those early, fragile, vulnerable days. I know while struggles are similar, our experiences will be unique. I will not force my advice on you. Instead, I will ask you “how are you recovering, Mama?”, “how’s your spirit doing?”
Love this! Thank you for showing your kind spirit and care towards other new moms. Breastfeeding is SO hard, and I think a lot of people don’t understand the struggle that comes with it.
Thank you so much for reading, Jessica 🙂 I felt compelled to write this. New Moms, even experienced ones like myself, need support and encouragement, regardless of their feeding choice xo
Great read with such an important message. My milk never came in and it was a difficult choice to bottle feed my babe. I was met with lots of judgment, bottle bullies I call the. But in the end I believe Fed is Best 🙂 xx
Thank you for sharing your experience, Morgan. I am so sorry you faced such negative backlash. Mothers need support, regardless of their choice. xo
Hi Sonya! I’m also a mom blogger from Canada! I’m from the mom blog tribe. Great to see that we have similar interests as I also wrote about this important issue. Thanks for sharing this and I hope we can keep in touch.😄
Hey there, Emily! So happy to connect with a fellow Canadian blogger! Such an important topic. I’ll check out your material too 🙂 CBC Radio reported unprecedented response to their broadcast. Hope the conversation keeps going. 🙂
This is beautifully written! I cried reading it wishing I would have found it a couple months ago! Breastfeeding my little one lastest only a week. I was in pain and losing sleep over the anticipation/anxiety of having to feed her again in a couple hours. My midwife discovered that my baby was tongue and lip tied which was contributing greatly to our feeding issues. I cried for 3 days straight feeling like I had failed, guilty that she hadn’t been getting enough to eat and overwhelmed by everything. With my husband and midwifes support and encouragement I stopped breastfeeding and it’s been SO much better!
Even now I feel like I have to justify to people why I am giving her a bottle, and it shouldn’t be that way – I should be able to feed my baby in public however I would like to with no questions asked.
Lindsey, I’m so moved that you found this post and it’s provided some comfort. It’s what I also needed to hear during my breastfeeding challenges. I wish I could take away your painful emotions, but I hope you come to see that you’re making an amazing choice no matter which feeding method you choose because you’re taking into consideration both your needs and your child’s. I hope we make more progress in accepting a family’s feeding choice on all sides of the spectrum. I know one day you’ll see, as I have, your kids will be just fine no matter what your decision. This is a small period of time in the big picture of parenting. There are so many ways to be a wonderful Mother and show love to our children. xo